Celebrating Nothing
by LastDayOfMagic
Summary: A one-shot in response to BadBoysAreBest's prompt in the 2013 DE holiday exchange: Damon has ended up human, and he is not happy about it. AU from the first 1/3rd of Season 5.


"You're sure you don't want to help me?"

Elena stood in the doorway to the study, glancing toward the living room and the enormous bare Christmas tree. She'd just finished buying bags and boxes of ornaments and lights that now sat by the front door. Jeremy was bringing Bonnie over later for their Christmas Eve ritual of pizza and an annual viewing of _A Christmas Story_, and she wanted to have the tree finished in time. Something to remind the siblings of home, since they didn't have one anymore.

Damon shook his head, not even looking up from the book he pretended was so engrossing. "Not really in the mood."

Elena sighed, peeling herself from the doorframe and dragging her feet over to him. She made an exaggerated show of plopping down next to him. "There are worse things, you know."

His steely eyes pierced hers now. "Funny, considering you chose to remain a vampire instead of becoming a human when you had the chance."

Her lips shifted into a pout. "Touché." She crossed her arms. "I'm just not sure what you expected when you drained Amara."

"I didn't take all of her blood - just enough to try to weaken her and prevent her from killing herself before Tessa brought Bonnie back." He paused as he went back to his book. "For you, I might add."

"True. Again." She studied him as he avoided looking at her. There were lines around his eyes, a flush to his cheeks that he'd lacked as a vampire. And frustration in his expression. He always tried to make her requests happen, even the impossible ones. Maybe she'd just come to expect it of him, that somehow things would turn out okay. Maybe this time, it wasn't enough to see her happy. And she could understand why. "I'll love you anyway. Regardless. I'll stay with you till the end, whether it's eternity or sixty years."

His gaze focused somewhere on the rug in front of them, and she could see a glassy sheen to his eyes. No answer, just a nod.

She frowned. "And you don't believe me."

He sighed, exasperated by the prodding. Elena stood up wordlessly then, not wanting him to see her tears or expect her to talk around the lump forming in her throat. She walked back to the living room, starting the job of decorating alone.

oOo

Their evening was an unusually quiet affair, soured by Damon's mood. But she couldn't be mad at him. Nor could Bonnie. She pulled Elena aside before they retreated upstairs, apologizing that she no longer had magic to fix this.

And that was the problem. No one had a way to fix this. Elena had tried turning him, but he couldn't stomach it. Just like Katherine. He was stuck. And that was the sad irony - the one vampire who went searching for the cure, who never wanted to be human, now was.

She tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep without him next to her. She'd left him awake hours ago, staring at the fire, a glass of bourbon in hand. And when she padded downstairs now, she saw him standing in front of the tree, softly lit by the strands of white lights.

"We used to have candles on our tree," he said quietly as she put her arm around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "And fruit, and garlands of popcorn. It's a wonder it didn't catch fire."

"It must've been beautiful," she answered. "Everyone dressed in their best, the grand dinner, the decorations..."

"Yeah, in between formalities and politics," he sighed. "It was a different era. The one I should've died in."

"But we wouldn't have met." Her voice was quiet, and she met his troubled gaze.

"It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

She pulled back abruptly, stung by his words. "How can you say that?"

"Because I waited for you to be mine, and then I barely got the girl for a split second, and then- this!" He he jerked his hands along his sides, motioning at himself. "What is the point of being together, if I'm growing old and you're still young? You won't want me then. It's sickening. I don't want you to see me like that. And I'll be holding you back."

"It'll be okay," she insisted. "We have time before we have to worry about any of that."

"That's what you think." He pulled away from her now, slamming his glass down on a nearby table and she jumped. "But guess what - the last 149 years flew by, and we have less than _half_ of that together."

"Are you trying to push me away?" she asked, her voice shaking. "I don't know what you want me to say to all of these obstacles you keep presenting. I get it, believe me. I'm the girl who's lost almost everybody, remember? I don't want to lose you too." She stopped, covering her mouth to hide her teary grimace. And he looked apologetic as the tears started to form in her eyes, but he didn't come any closer. She shook her head as she drew in a deep breath. "It's been a long day. I wanted to check on you, not argue about this again."

"I can't, Elena. You want me to put on a happy face and to cherish our time together... Screw that! I wanted eternity, and we almost had it."

The way his voice broke at the end broke her heart. She closed her eyes for a brief second before meeting his startling blue ones again, a means to regain her composure. "What if I'd never turned, Damon? Would you have left me?"

"It's different," he protested. "I wanted you from the beginning. I knew you were human, and that there was a chance you wouldn't turn."

"And when I was old?"

"Elena."

She held his gaze. "Just tell me."

"It wouldn't have mattered."

"So why is it any different with the roles reversed?" She edged closer, resting her hand on his chest. "Who I love is in here. The exterior doesn't matter."

"You say that now," he murmured, but she could tell he wanted to believe her.

"I'll say that then, too." She leaned forward, pressing her lips against his softly, as if she were sealing her promise. She didn't know what he expected of her, but she wasn't going to break down and leave him. Not ever.

oOo

"He's not any better, huh?"

Stefan leaned awkwardly against the granite island top. Elena raised a sardonic eyebrow before she turned back to the oven and pulled out the Christmas ham.

"No, he's not. But you wouldn't know that because you're never here anymore."

"I know," he groaned. "It's just... I know we aren't meant to be together, but it's hard." He bit at the inside corner of his mouth, his forehead wrinkling in concern. "He must be terrified. Christ, I'm a horrible brother."

She shrugged, glancing to the living room where Damon sat with Caroline and Jeremy before starting to speak. "I don't really blame you. I try to get him to open up, reassure him... he shoots everything down. I don't know if it's because he feels safe letting his guard down in front of me, but it's exhausting. Especially because I'm just as scared as he is."

"I know." He wore a strange nostalgic expression, and she could tell he was thinking of the times he was faced with losing her. She looked away, moving to stir the mashed potatoes and she could hear him shift and straighten. "Katherine has an idea."

"Can't wait to hear it," she muttered under her breath.

"She thinks that the doppelgänger soulmate effect extends to blood."

Elena's head snapped up and he crossed his arms. "You're giving her your blood?"

"Probably." He sighed, his expression complex. "I've wanted her dead all of this time, and yet I can't just let her die. As much as I wish I could."

"You still feel something for her."

"I guess you could say that."

He looked guilty, and Elena felt a twinge of regret at the thought, though she no longer wanted to be with Stefan. He had tried to change her into an innocent human yet he accepted Katherine as a conniving, ruthless vampire. She was sad she had wasted her time trying to make it work because he couldn't face his own demons, and that if this worked he and Katherine could have an eternity together that was being stolen from her and Damon.

"Well, she'll get what she wanted all along. You." Elena turned away to pull out the serving spoons. She usually hated cooking but now she was glad she had the distraction. "Good for her."

He moved so he was standing next to her, so she couldn't avoid him. Clearly he wanted to run this into the ground. "I didn't say anything was going to happen between us."

"I'm okay if it does. Honestly. I just wish you'd realized this a long time ago instead of torturing all four of us - that's all." Her mouth quirked. "And I'm a little jealous that you guys get eternity, whereas Damon and I get almost nothing."

He stared at her for a moment, apparently mulling over a revelation. "She wants you to drain her."

Elena's eyebrows knit together. "What? Why? Just snap her neck."

He shook his head. "If she can tolerate my blood, she'll need to die. And it might not help Damon be a vampire again, but it could make you human."

Her mouth went dry. "I don't know."

"What's eternity worth if you don't have the person you love most?"

Elena stared at him. "You're saying you're finally over me, then?"

"I wouldn't go that far. But I can be happy without you if you guys are happy. My penance for all of the torture." He gave a wry smile, but she felt like the room was closing in.

"What if... what if it doesn't work? Or if we find a way for him to turn back, and I'm human?"

"What about being human?" Damon stood in the archway, his brows narrowed and eyes bright with suspicion. Caroline awkwardly shifted behind him.

Elena rubbed her hands on the front of her apron. "Damon. Stefan was just telling me..." She cleared her throat, glancing between them.

"I made her an offer." Stefan stepped forward. "A way to possibly make her human, since we can't figure out how to turn you."

Damon scowled almost immediately but there was a second's hesitation. Relief? Maybe. Still, his disdain - even if it was fake - was so all encompassing that she couldn't even turn it around. "No. No way. I won't let you do it."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not making us both give up forever. And that's the end of it."

"Jesus, Damon," Caroline exclaimed, and Elena braced herself for his inevitable retaliation. "All of this to make you happy, and you're saying no? You can't control her."

"What if it goes wrong?" He fired back. "What if she starts hyper-aging because some vampire decides they want to be human and they drain her?"

"And what if I get staked tomorrow?" she said quietly. "We just don't know, Damon. But this sounds like our best shot." She could see him warring against himself, and now Jeremy was standing silent guard. There was no shock in his expression either. This bombshell had obviously been planned.

"And if it turns out we find a way to make you a vampire again, I'm pretty sure I could turn Elena. It's part of all this doppelgänger business." Stefan had his arms crossed as he waited for some reaction.

"Why are you doing this? You've gone on and on about how you wanted Elena back." Damon's eyes remained suspicious, and Stefan shrugged.

"I'm conceding defeat. And maybe Katherine was right. I was fighting hard to hate her, trying to bury my feelings. At any rate, Elena was never meant to be mine."

She shared a melancholy gaze with him, knowing how hard it had to be for him to admit that to his brother, the one he'd lost her to. But she was thankful, and she realized this could be the turning point. Elena turned back to her designated soulmate. "And I want to do this. I'm not going to lie... part of the reason I never took the cure was because you were a vampire. I never told you, but I often thought that I would have turned for you, just to be with you. No one is twisting my arm here."

Damon just stared at her, and she knew he was on the verge of a breakdown. She just couldn't tell whether there was relief fueling it or distress, or maybe even both. She gave an anxious nod, looking at the others.

"Could you guys give us a second? Finish setting the table?"

"Of course!" Caroline said, grabbing a casserole dish, while Stefan took the ham and Jeremy nearly fell over him to carry out dinner rolls. But Elena didn't have a moment to smile at the scene because she was busy pulling Damon to the stairwell and then their bedroom.

"Are you going to forgive me if I go through with it?" She sat on the bed, staring up at him worriedly. She held the upper hand now, she realized, as she could easily overpower him... and she didn't like it.

"I would be lying if I said some part of me isn't hoping that you'll end up human, but it's entirely selfish." He moved to cross his arms, but she caught his hand, pulling him down to her, so he was crouching in front of her.

"I like when you're selfish," she admitted. His face was inches from hers now, her hand resting on his cheek. "And I remember a dying vampire telling a human girl that he wished she'd known the human version of him. It's funny to think that could actually happen now."

He drew a deep breath at the memory. "I remember a first kiss on his death bed."

She smiled, leaning forward to give him a small kiss. "I think there's a lifetime of kisses to be had. A human lifetime. Equal ground. No running and hiding because we don't age. I think it sounds blissful."

"And maybe kids," he added softly, running his hand into her hair as he looked at her. His expression was the most calm she'd seen it in days.

"Maybe," she whispered back. "We could certainly practice."

"Of course. Lots of practicing."

"Yes." She barely had the word out before his lips had met hers brusquely, and she felt his hand pulling her closer, his body pressing hers back onto the bed. His tongue slid between her lips, and she ran her nails against the back of his neck, rubbing her center against his leg. He let out a small moan as her knee brushed against his arousal and she smiled, breaking the kiss. She loved the way his cheeks reddened with lust now. "Later. I promise."

"Okay," he breathed, though she could tell he was reluctant. But he stood up, straightening himself and glancing in the mirror before he headed to the doorway.

"Damon," she called, and he glanced back at her. "I love you."

"I love you," he answered quietly, and she could tell by the emphasis that she would never know how much. The phrase was like a dam that held back a tidal wave of emotion, and she knew that once their lives settled it would be the tipping point. The ironic part of his self-declared selfishness was that he was the most selfless person she knew, and he would never demand that she took this chance despite how much he desperately wanted it. But he needed this. It would be the reassurance that she would choose him, always.

That cemented her decision.

oOo

The last thing she remembered was Katherine falling limp in her arms. Now she woke in their bed, grey winter sunlight filtering through. Damon was standing over her and Caroline and Bonnie sat beside her. Bonnie grinned when she finally opened her eyes.

"Did it work?" Bonnie asked. "I mean, can you tell?"

Elena hesitantly nodded as she propped herself up and she thought her head was going to fall off from the pain. "I need water," she croaked. "And Excedrin. Ohhh, this is like the worst hangover ever."

She flopped back down against the pillows, and she gave Damon a mock glare when he approached. He smirked, and as miserable as she felt, it was the best sight she'd seen in ages. She'd appreciate it more after some sleep and some food and...

"Here," Caroline said, proffering a glass of water and two capsules.

"Thanks. Is Katherine okay?"

"Yes, and she's prouder than a peacock at her fantastic idea." Caroline rolled her eyes but Elena could hear the hidden relief in her tone.

"No, that's good. I'm glad. Everything's mostly back in it's proper order."

She gave a nervous smile before she took a cautious sip, and her taste was back. It was only sense heightened among the others that had dulled. Still, she noted as she met that beautiful blue gaze, human Damon looked different than his vampire self to her human eyes. Softer, somehow. A little less sleek and polished and perfect. She liked it. She nudged him playfully.

"You should have warned me about how crappy I'd feel. Maybe I wouldn't have gone through with it."

"No, I'm pretty sure you would have." There was a glimmer in his gaze that had been missing for the last few weeks. He took her hand, and she could sense his reluctance to go further in their present company, though he surprised her by kissing the top of her head. "Thanks," he whispered.

She smiled, and she was relieved to have most of him back, though she knew there would still be bumps in the road ahead. "You're welcome." She tilted her head up to kiss his cheek. "Merry Christmas."


End file.
